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05 March 2011 @ 03:55 pm
[locked from everyone] 

Results came in. We're clean.  I didn't realize how freaked out I'd been until I had a retroactive panic attack on the way home. I think we traumatized the other people on the bus a little, but at least the driver didn't make us pay to clean up my vomit. 

Naruto flipped out a little, too, although he didn't puke all over himself. He's so much stronger than I am--I'm not even the one who got raped and I threw a fucking fit when I should have been holding Naruto. 

But at least Itachi was there. 
Current Mood: indescribable
04 March 2011 @ 06:34 am
 [locked from flavoredblossom ]

Sakura's turning sixteen in a few weeks, so I'm having a surprise party. Keep your fucking traps shut about this if you know what's good for you. 

Get in touch with me either here or on AIM if you can help with decorations, cooking, or anything else. 

And if I hear any word about anything even remotely resembling "celebration" anywhere within thirty feet of Sakura, I will kill whoever did the spilling. Slowly. And painfully. 
Don't think I won't. 
Tags: ,
Current Mood: deviousdevious
22 February 2011 @ 04:19 am
[locked from everyone.]

They didn't just beat him. And beat him and beat him until he looked like he'd been put through a fucking meat grinder.

They raped him, too.

And he didn't tell me.

I feel sick for him. I feel horrified for him. I feel so furious at them I think my blood has changed over to boiling, festering acid. And I feel guilty and angry and resentful and scared because he didn't fucking tell me.

My boyfriend--my fiance--didn't tell me when he was raped.

I still don't know why. He won't talk about it. He denied it at first, when I had a fucking business card for a therapist specializing in rape trauma in my fucking hand. He still didn't tell me.

He says he was trying to protect me, and I believe him. But part of me is still hurting, badly, and feeling like he didn't tell me because he doesn't trust me.

Now I guess I know what he feels like when I'm in crisis. Helpless, angry, and scared out of my fucking mind. But at least he's letting me lie next to him again.
Current Mood: draineddrained
14 February 2011 @ 02:31 am
This was not supposed to happen this way. I was supposed to be in my late twenties, done with grad school and working a corporate hellhole job, and I was supposed to be at a fancy Italian restaurant that I hated with a boyfriend who was rich but boring, and it wasn't supposed to have stones in it it was just supposed to be a simple band so I didn't look like a goddamn girl because I already take after my mother and Itachi wasn't supposed to be happy for me and I wasn't supposed to cry like an infant and  I wasn't supposed to say yes.
Current Mood: giddygiddy
07 February 2011 @ 10:10 pm
I have a total of fifty-six stitches in my arm. Fifty-two of those are on my inner wrist; the other four are for a cut on the back of my arm I didn't realize was all that deep.

For not hitting an artery, I bled. A lot. My room still sort of smells like it, but that could also be me being paranoid.

Naruto didn't leave me. He had his email hacked. It freaks me the hell out that whoever hacked him knows about my abandonment issues, since I haven't actually talked to anyone about it but Nii-san and Sakura and Naruto, but  I'm going to ask Nii-san to trace the email and maybe call the police.

Oh, and my cousin Shisui is back from the dead. On the one hand, I'm really happy that we didn't lose everyone, but on the other, I wish it didn't have to be the single most annoying relative we had.

I'm worried about Naruto. He won't spend the night with me.
Current Mood: draineddrained
02 February 2011 @ 01:05 am
[locked from everyone]

I can't breathe.

I've been in denial most of the afternoon.

but now it feels like I'm being hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer over and over.

everything hurts.

I can't move.

He promised.

and valentine's day is in two weeks.
Current Mood: crushedbroken
01 February 2011 @ 10:56 pm
He left me.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
31 January 2011 @ 03:44 pm
[Locked from rasenjou_kyuu ]

He's been really distant lately. He says he's busy planning a trip to his hometown to visit his foster father. He hardly sleeps over anymore, since we're not confined to bed rest. 

Curling up next to Itachi helps, but it's not the same. I don't want to bring up my anxiety to the shrink because I know I have abandonment issues, thanks, being told that isn't gonna help any, and I kind of want to wallow in it. On the other hand, I'm on new meds, and it could be a side effect  or something wrong with that but I swear to god, it's him. I haven't gone two days without seeing him since I ran away, and now...this.

Please tell me I'm just being paranoid.
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
 [locked from everyone] 

Rare, she said. At most, an increase in frequency, she said. Keep drinking lots of water because otherwise you'll get dehydrated, she said. 

I can't even write it down in a private entry. It's that humiliating

I'll have to start doing my own laundry from now on. I--I guess it's a good thing Naruto's been distant; I'm not going to...in front of him. I don't think I could live it down. 

I think I'm going to avoid Nii-san's room for the time being, too. She did say it would go away within a couple weeks. 

If it doesn't, I don't even care how many chairs I throw. I'm never taking it again. 
Current Mood: embarrassedhumiliated